12 Things The I Wish I Could Do In Advertising

1. Have theme music for when I walk into a creative pitch. I've given this some thought and while Slipnot's "Pychosocial" might be apprapo, I think that AC/CD's "For those about to rock" is a timeless treasure that all clients can bond with.
2. Wear a patriotic cape and matching Apollo Creed shorts, while adorning a golden Lucha libre mask in the shape of a bald eagle in the office at all times. For impromptu client meetings I would have a suit made with the same style.
3. Create a set of SEAL team-like hand signals for professionals to communicate in meetings while account executives are trying desperately to make points about the clients' view on the creative.
4. Have a "tweetern." This would be an intern that would do all my tweeting, except for in the toilet, or making personal calls.
5. Add laugh tracks to bad creative.
6. Have those fire flash pots go off when I walk into a creative pitch. "ARE YOU READY FOR THE CAM-PAIN!!!" But NO! Great White had to go and kill a bunch of innocent people and ruin it for everyone. Where was I?
7. Creative nap times. There's not a creative in this world that would like nothing more at 3:00PM than an hour siesta on a little mat or hammock perhaps. OOOO, "cube hammocks!" < BRB filing patent >
8. I would like to posses the power of 'the force' like so as many Jedi masters will after my death. The honing of this ability would increase production efforts rapidly by enabling me to get coffee from my desk, mind-trick clients into understanding Facebook advertising and slowly crush the windpipe of our legal department.
9. I wish there were a "report spam" function on my television remote control so I could single handedly end local car sales and adult undergarment spots with the simple touch of a button.
10. I would like resume experience to be tattoo'ed on your forearms in military like bars that are given for years of service to your discipline, actionable insight, production ability, increased sensitivity to humanity and rigorous desire to improve process and nurture those beneath them.
11. Have role reversal meetings where the studio department can shout fear into executives.
12. Having a robot that would deploy to the office of the offending party, anytime creative was pushed through the studio without being reviewed by a director. It would be called the 'Brobot' for Andrew Meyer's wussy "Don't tase me bro!" downhill interruption. It should be said that the same Brobot would be deployed to anyone citing a budget without review of the associated department.